Eternal Boredom IS Eternal Torment

The Christians need to work on their marketing strategy, because I’m not really sold on the whole Heaven thing.

Singing songs and praising God? All day? Forever? Umm…no thanks, I haven’t enjoyed church since I was a fetus, and probably not even then. Can I sing Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie songs instead? I like those better.

Surrounded by family members that I either never met or didn’t go out of my way to spend time with when they were alive? Meanwhile, all of the even remotely interesting people will be “elsewhere”. Sounds like like the most boring party ever thrown… with the added benefit that it lasts FOREVER.

The answers to all of life’s questions… once it’s too late to actually DO anything with the information? Gee, thanks.

Getting to see God might be cool, but He’s probably all like: “Don’t look at me or I’ll melt your eyes out.” That wouldn’t be cool. At all.

Streets of gold? Is gold actually WORTH anything in Heaven? Is there an economy? Because if not, then those streets might as well be paved with regular-ass asphalt.

What if I don’t like milk OR honey? Can I get Southern Comfort and KFC instead?

All my illnesses cured with a new, perfect body? Sweet! I can eat all the carbs and smoke all the cigarettes and have all the unprotected sex I want. I bet those wing-babes really- What… No? Well what the fuck!?

Can we at least SEE Hell from there? I bet that lake of fire is fucking awesome. And from a safe distance it probably won’t melt your face off. Might be safer than trying to catch a glimpse of You-Know-Who.

Really, Heaven’s only selling point for me is that it isn’t Hell. And that’s pretty fucked up if you stop and think about it.


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