The Standard

Okay, this is going to offend some people, but it has to be said. Trust me, this is a serious matter with impact for us all. I’m not going to name names or point fingers, but I think most of us will have a pretty good idea of just what I’m talking about.

This post is, sadly, inspired by actual recent events.

Hold on… here goes…

I know that in different countries, different cultures have their own ideas about what is acceptable and what is not. In those countries, I would expect that the majority of people would abide by the prevailing cultural standards.

Here in America, we have standards, too. Not rules, exactly, but pretty close. We have a general, nationwide “idea” of what is acceptable, and that idea applies from coast to coast, state to state, even in places like Alabama and New Jersey. You may not know these ideas and standards, but you are expected to abide by them nonetheless. I know its not fair, so I’m taking it upon myself to make this formal announcement for the benefit of all our visitors and newcomers. The standard is that, here in America:

We Bathe.
Every Day.
With Soap.
And We Use Deodorant Afterward.

Yes, I know that, culturally, this is quite alien and very difficult for some people to understand. But please DO understand… no, don’t just try… DO it. When I’m standing in a Walmart computer aisle and I can smell you from 20 feet away, the issue stops being a cultural difference and starts being a public nuisance.

Yes, I know that we Americans are a bit squeamish about our bodies and the various sights, sounds, and smells thereof. We’re Puritan. We treat the human body like its something to be ashamed of. You can laugh at us all you want. Go ahead… laugh. Just do it with a clean armpit. Because when I can use your stench to trace your path through a store like a fucking bloodhound, shit stops being funny. I’m not a dog, and I don’t need to be able to tell where you were standing five minutes ago just by sniffing.

Yes, I know that people are largely immune to their own body odor, and thus can have no idea what they really smell like to other people. I know that. We all know that. That’s why, here, in America, funky or not… We Bathe. Every Day. With Soap. And We Use Deodorant Afterward. That way, unlike YOU, we can avoid leaving a trail of flaming, scotched nostrils in our wake like the fucking Ghost Rider of Funk.

Yes, I know that some people have jobs that are physically demanding, and its foolhardy to expect them to smell like roses all the time. But you don’t have a physically demanding job. You work in an office. You’re walking around in a dress shirt and a sweater. Your hair is perfectly combed with not a strand out of place. There is no fucking REASON for you to smell like a full body armpit with extra ass.

We could go on with the excuses and the rebuttals, but I’d at least like to HOPE that I’m getting my point across here. You may not like it. You may not understand it. But please do it. Every Day. With Soap. And Deodorant.

Tell your friends. Spread the word.

Peace out.


  1. WeREwOLf, October 25, 2007:

    And we WASH OUR FUCKING HANDS after using the restroom. S’all I’m sayin’ on THAT subject.

  2. nate, December 22, 2008:

    Werewolf’s comment reminded me of a recent comic I saw where an employee was leaving the washroom, another employee was pointing to the sign saying that all employees MUST wash hands before returning to work. The first employee was explaining that everything was ok because he wasn’t returning to work, he was going to lunch!

    Man, if work ever picks up I won’t be able to browse these random posts and make comments…

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