Review: Rise: Blood Hunter

“I’ve never heard of this movie,” I said as the wife and I sat down to watch my latest pick from Blockbuster. “But it has Lucy Liu in it so it can’t possibly be BAD.”

“Yeah, should be good.”

…three days later, as the credits roll…

Wife: “DANG that movie was slow, I feel like I’ve been sitting here for three days!”
Me: “Actually, we have.”

I’m not saying Rise: Blood Hunter is a bad movie…

…but I’m honestly not sure what else I CAN say about it.

The plot is simple: Lucy plays some reporter that gets kidnapped and raped/bitten by some vampires. She becomes one of the undead and isn’t to happy about it, so she decides to pick up a crossbow and hunt down the bastards that turned her.

Oh HELLLL yeah, that sounds AWESOME! Lucy Liu stalking vampires with a crossbow! Sounds like some supernatural high- asskickery going on! Blood and carnage from start to finish… my kind of movie!

Yeah… only the movie I actually SAW was so far away from that that if it got any FURTHER away it would wrap around the space-time continuum and start getting closer again.

This is an incredibly slow movie. Not that it is poorly-done… quite the opposite, actually. It’s very well done. They were just trying (and succeeding) at doing something OTHER than I wanted to see. If you go into this thing expecting some kind of action, then you’ll be bored, disappointed, and angry, just like me. All the real action in this film is emotional… this is GOOD if you like goth-drama. I don’t. I’m an action/horror man, and for me there was nothing frightening and very little exciting about this film.

Don’t believe me?

How about vampires with no supernatural abilities. No strength, no speed… nothing. The only things different about them are that they don’t cast reflections and you can only kill them by piercing the heart. They can get smacked around and knocked unconscious by any random regular-ass person. They don’t even have fangs, they use knives and (one of them) their regular-human teeth to feed. These are, quite literally, vampires that are too goth-cool to be vampires. Sound exciting? Not to me.

And the story? Yes, it has a lot of potential, but instead of action or horror, the scriptwriters focused on Lucy Liu’s character’s anguish about her situation rather than the asskickery that you would naturally expect from such a plot summary. They squeezed just about all the action out of this film and replaced it with angst and a lot of unnecessary conversation… so much so that what little action was left seemed out of place. It all looked very nice on the screen, but I wanted Kill Bill with vampires, not an Oprah goth special.

So now, what GOOD can I say about this movie? Okay… but I’m being very generous here:

+5: Lucy Liu T&A. Yeah, I’m a pig, sue me.
+5: Blood. Lots. …okay, more than a little.
+5: The homeless shelter scene was genuinely creepy… like the whole movie should have been.
+5: She actually kills that one guy. Wasn’t expecting that.

But then

-15: OMG this movie is slow. Take out half the words and play it at double speed and it STILL moves like a constipated snail through a puddle of superglue.
-15: Non-vampire vampires. This movie is essentially devoid of supernatural entities. They don’t cast reflections. Wow.
-1: It ends EXACTLY the way you expect. You’ll know it when you see it.

Yeah, this is definitely one to skip. Not that it’s a bad movie… it’s just not what you want out of a HORROR movie.


4 Comments

  1. udgang99, December 8, 2007:

    It’s been a while since I saw it, but I actually liked it. Don’t remember why, though ;)
    I seem to remember liking all the psycological drama about Lucy having to deal with her being dead – I think she actually tried to commit suicide (and ends up at Yoda’s house).

  2. DarkIcon, December 8, 2007:

    Well, there’s good psychological drama: Se7en
    and bad psychological drama: This movie.

    As a rule, I prefer my drama with guns, explosions, ancient unthinkable evils from beyond time, and severed body parts. And, of course, claws and tentacles. This movie had none of the above.

    But hey, whatever floats your boat, dude. ;-)

  3. udgang99, December 9, 2007:

    Uhmmm … I wouldn’t call Seven a psychological drama – it’s was more a thriller. But anyway … ;)

  4. nate, December 10, 2007:

    I didn’t care much for this one either, and I’m a vampire fan. I agree that it’s slow and more psychological than I like. The T&A scenes could have been from better angles too!

    Over the weekend I watched another movie titled Recon 2020. DI might like it. Lots of guns, some zombies and other creatures, one halfway decent fight scene, and one really good x-ray scene of a bullet going through a zombie’s cranium. No plot though, but it does open with a good boob shot. Reminds me a lot of ’50s B movies, but it was done in ’04. Watch it only if it’s free, cheap, or you have nothing better to do.

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