A Letter from the Future

Through the miracle of technology, I have established communication with our future. Rather than listen to media and government hype about how ‘wonderful’ the future America must be, I requested a letter from a high-school student somewhere in the US. Children can be so brutally honest, ya know. Anyway, below is the first letter received from 2034:

Dear Grandparents,

It is so wonderful to be able to talk to my past! You must be curious about all our wonderful technology. However, I think I should use this first letter to THANK you for all the wonderful things you did in your time to make our world so great!

Thank you for working so hard to eliminate drugs and violent crime from our society. With our every word, action, monetary transaction and correspondence monitored by the State, we have made extraordinary progress in catching the bad people and sending them to the rehabilitation work camps. You know, it is truly fascinating how many criminals you find once privacy is eliminated! It seems like every day the police seize some criminal family and carry them away. Sometimes they catch the wrong people, but that’s okay because we understand that some innocents must be punished so that the general public can remain safe. Every kid learns that on the first day of school! Speaking of school, ever since they started the Mandatory State-Administered Psychological Exams, we can now catch the bad people before they grow up to do anything bad! I hear the Proactive Rehabilitation Program that the State sends them to really works! None of the kids act the same when they come back…so it must really be very effective! WOW! Thank you SO much! I’m waving at the camera over the desk in my bedroom right now…I wonder if anyone’s watching? [#->NSA Insert: YES, WE ARE.<-#]

Thank you for repealing the Second Amendment and removing the specter of guns from our society. Our streets, schools and homes are much safer than they must have been in your time. It is so much easier to identify criminals now…just look for people with guns! When we see someone with a gun, we simply avoid them and call the police. How much simpler and safer can it possible be! Why, just last week we saw for ourselves that honest citizens do not need weapons. Mother and father successfully defended our home from an armed intruder using only a coffee mug and a rolled-up newspaper. Father should be out of his coma soon, and the doctors say that he should be almost the same as he was before since the bullet missed some of the vital areas of his brain. I thank the State-Approved, NonDenominational Deity Of My Choice that father did not have a weapon, or the intruder could have felt threatened and something very, very bad could have happened. If he decides to come back for the rest of our government-issued furnishings, we will be ready. I have my box-cutter tucked under my pillow, and the phone number for the police hanging on the wall right next to the state-monitored videophone. I rest easily knowing that help is only 15 minutes away.

Thank you for reforming our economic system so that we all have an equal chance at happiness. Now, one’s path in life is no longer determined by unfair, racist concepts like individual merit, work ethic, talent, or personal ambition. We are all free to be whatever the government wants us to be! And people are much, much happier since the personal ownership of property was outlawed. Everyone has the same things as everyone else! No more jealousy or classism like in YOUR generation! Isn’t that cool! You must be so proud…the offensive, old-world ideas of ‘Success’ and ‘Failure’ have taken their proper place alongside ‘Individuality,”Privacy,’ and ‘Personal Responsibility’ in the State-Operated Museum of Revised History… where they rightfully belong!

Thank you for nullifying the Bill of Rights. The world is much safer and more pleasant now that those silly old rules are gone. Since the government controls all speech and media, no one has to worry about being offended. And even if they were, we’re still safe because it is illegal for people to gather in large enough numbers to do anything dangerous. If they do, they’re shot on sight like all potential criminals should be.

Thank you for giving us schools, teachers and educators who truly care about us and our feelings. I feel especially grateful for this because recently my teachers had to correct me for a serious behavior problem. My math and science scores were much, much too high, and my constantly giving the correct answers in class was damaging the other students’ self esteem and making them feel bad. I honestly did not intend to hurt anyone’s feelings, so I took my teacher’s advice and adjusted my studying habits to be more in line with everyone else. Now, instead of being a scientist or an engineer, I can look forward to a cool non-offensive career: manufacturing condoms at State Population Control Products, Inc. Isn’t that GREAT!

I must go now, it is 21:58, which means that they are about to turn the electricity off for the night. I’m so glad I had this opportunity to write and thank you personally for all the GREAT things you did to make our present (your future!) so bright! We love you! Heil United State! Socializm Rulez!

Oh, one more thing. If you want to avoid a really bad war, then whatever you do, DON’T TRUST THE /#POWER OFF#/

I originally wrote this back in 1999. It was funny then. Now it’s oddly disturbing.


  1. Loki, December 13, 2007:


  2. udgang99, December 13, 2007:

    “DON’T TRUST THE” … WHAT? “Dark Icon”?
    I knew you were evil, Marc! ;-)

  3. DarkIcon, December 13, 2007:

    It was never a secret. ;)

  4. Jeff, December 13, 2007:

    *laughs hysterically* State population control products is actually a good idea…..

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