Review: Skinwalkers

Blockbuster owed me a free rental, and this was it.

I want my money back.

At the time this one was in the theaters, the popular opinion was that this werewolf movie sucked and should be avoided at all costs. This one of those rare times that popular opinion and I are in agreement.

The movie is about two groups of werewolves… one group that’s happy to be sporting fangs and fur, and a second group that regards the whole thing as a massive inconvenience and would just as soon be rid of the whole thing. Lucky for the second group, there’s a prophecy about a young boy who has the power to end the curse forever. The prophecy is about to come true, and the evil werewolves only have a few days to snatch the kid away from his protectors before the fun and games end forever. The gun-toting protectors are on the run, the equally gun-toting pursuers are closing in, and the time of the prophecy is almost almost upon them. This could be the end of the World. Of Werewolves.

There is almost nothing redeemable about this movie. The action is poorly done, the story is stupid, the characters are only mildly interesting (which is something, I guess), and the special effects are nonexistent. I mean, you’d think that a modern werewolf movie would at LEAST spring from some Howling-style wolf transformation effects… that movie is two decades old, its technology can’t be that expensive. But no. No, THEY opted for the Wolfman look, circa 1941. Impressive. Really.

If you are a fan of the werewolf genre, you do not want to see this movie. This movie takes all that you love about lycanthropes, stabs it in the face, drags it outside, bends it over a rotting tree stump and anally rapes it to pieces.

If you aren’t particularly crazy about werewolf films to begin with, then you’ll want to pass on this one just for the sake of having other, more entertaining things to watch: Like clothes tumbling in the dryer.

If you already hate werewolf movies, well, I think you can guess what my advice is to you is going to be.

To sum it up:

+6: Guns! Everybody in this movie is armed. Everybody. Even grandma. BIG-ass guns… that nobody knows how to shoot worth a damn.
+2: The evil female werewolf was kinda-sorta hot. A little.

And that’s it. That’s all I can say in this movie’s favor. On the other hand:

-10 “Horror” movies that are rated PG13 suck by definition. Why? Because then you get:
-10: Evil werewolves weren’t evil. They tried to come off as more cool than evil… so basically you’re trying to do to werewolves what Hollywood has already done to vampires.
-10: No gore, no supernatural action, just a lot of werewolves shooting at each other (and missing a lot)
-5: Too much drama. Like we actually care. All that time people were standing around talking? That should have been werewolves ripping each other apart with their teeth.
-1: No T
-1: or A.

Skip this one and go watch flies fornicate in drying paint.


4 Comments

  1. udgang99, December 22, 2007:

    heh heh … yeah, this one sucks big time. It’s not even funny …

  2. udgang99, December 22, 2007:

    btw … the review you write here, is that all the movies you see, or just the once you care/hate enough to write about?

    I have been cataloguing every single movie I have seen in 2007 (started january 1st) … I only make very small comments about them, but I wish I had the time/energy/cared enough to write as much as you do, about them… :
    http://www.globalcomicjam.com/forum/index.php?topic=67.0

  3. DarkIcon, December 22, 2007:

    It’s all the horror movies I see, but not other genres. There are one or two that I’ve seen since I started doing this but I haven’t written a review for, and obviously I haven’t been doing this for an entire year.

  4. Kragon, December 22, 2007:

    Yeah, this movie was a BIG let down for me. When I see a bad movie I try to find something that’s funny about it. Some dumb little mess up that will at least bring a small smile to my face. But with this movie…Nothing.

    It really took all my power not to stop the DVD player and pull it out. But I like to give every movie I see a shadow of doubt. I was let down.

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