Dead Baby Jokes

I didn’t write these.

They were a part of the original site from the late 90’s, copied from another site that is no longer on the internet. Someone asked for them, so I’m pasting them here along with the original warning:

WARNING: Some of these jokes are quite disgusting. Please take this into
consideration when distributing this list. If you are easily offended by
Dead Baby Jokes, DO NOT read any further. Sorry, but they had to be told!

Ok, I’m not sorry.

Q: What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.

Q: What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: The same baby three weeks later.

Q: What’s red and yellow and floats on top of the pool?
A: Floaties with a slashed baby.

Q: What’s red and sits in a highchair?
A: A baby eating razor-blades.

Q: What is red and white and squirms in the corner?
A: Dead Baby playing with razor blades.

Q: What is red, white and green and sits in a corner?
A: Same baby 3 weeks later.

Q: What’s blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A: A baby playing in a plastic bag.

Q: What’s blue and sits in the corner?
A: Baby in a cellophane bag.

Q: What is green and sits in the corner?
A: Same dead baby two weeks later!

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: One cup root beer, two scoops dead baby.
(If on a diet use only one scoop.)

Q: Where’s the best place to get babies for a float?
A: An abortion clinic.

Q1: What’s red and white and bubbles all over?
Q2: What’s red, bubbly, and scratches at the window?
Q3. What is brown and taps on a window?
Q4: What’s pink and red and bangs on the window?
Q5: What is black and bubbly and taps on glass?
A: A baby in the microwave.

Q: What is black and bubbly and taps on glass every ten seconds?
A: Dead baby in a carousel microwave! (Works best if told while in a
swivel chair.)

Q: What is charred black and smells really bad?
A1: A baby chewing on an extension cord.
A2: A baby in the fireplace.

Q1: What is red and swings back and forth?
Q2: What’s pink and red and sways back and forth, back and forth…?
Q3: What’s red and hangs four feet off the floor?
A: Dead baby on a meathook.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby’s forehead! (Damn elephants get into
everything!)

Q: What do elephants use for ben-wa balls?
A: Dead babies.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.

Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: Because it was stapled to the chicken’s back.

Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was stapled to the koala.

Q: How do you get a baby out of a tree?
A: You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it’s a pinta!

Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A Doberman on a children’s playground!

Q: What is more fun than stapling dead babies to the wall?
A: Pulling them off.

Q: What’s more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
A: Ripping it back off.

Q1: What’s red and white and goes ’round and ’round?
Q2: What goes red white, red red, white white red…?
Q3: What is pink and red and goes round and round?
Q4: What’s pink and with a flick of a switch turns red?
Q5: What’s red and chunky and travels, in a circle, at 190 mph?
A: A baby in a blender

Q: Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
A: So you can see the expression on its face!

Q: How do you get 10 dead babies into a tupperware bowl?
A1: La’ Machine!
A2: Use a blender.

Q: How do you get them out?
A1: With a straw!
A2: Doritos.

Q: What is worse than one dead baby in a garbage can?
A: Ten dead babies in a garbage can.

Q: What is worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?
A: One dead baby in a ten garbage cans.

Q: What do you do with 4 dead babies and a sheet of glass?
A: Make a coffee table.

Q: What is easier to unload, a truck full of Dead Babies or a truck full of
bowling balls?
A: Dead Babies, you can use a pitchfork.

Q: What’s the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck
load of bricks?
A: You can’t use a pitchfork on bricks.

Q: What’s the difference between a barrel of water and a barrel of babies?
A: You can’t shovel water with a pitchfork.

Q: How do you load 100 screaming babies onto a truck?
A: A pitchfork.

Q: How do you unload a truck full of babies?
A: With a pitchfork.

Q: Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork?
A: So you can tell which ones are still alive.

Q: How do you know when you hit a live one?
A: The pitchfork shakes.

Q: What’s this? (Hold arms out and shake them.)
A: A live one.

Q: What’s grosser than gross?
A: A truckfull of dead babies.

Q: What is grosser than that?
A: There’s a live one at the bottom.

Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: It tries to eat it’s way out.

Q: What is grosser than that?
A: It made it.

Q: What is grosser than that?
A: It goes back for seconds!

Q. Whats more fun that spinning a baby on clothes line?
A. Stopping it with a shovel.

Q: What is worse than running a baby over with a car?
A: Getting it out of the tires.

Q: How is a baby like a grape?
A: They both give a little wine when you squish them.

Q: What’s small, red, and can’t turn around in corridors?
A: A baby with a javelin through its head.

Q: How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
A: Stick a javelin through it’s head.

Q: What’s small, red and can’t get into elevators?
A: A baby with a javelin in it’s head.

Q: What does a dingo call a baby in a pram (carriage)?
A: Meals on wheels.

Q: What’s black and furry and crawls across New South Wales?
A: A baby covered in Funnel-Web spiders.

Q: What’s red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A: A baby that’s been playing with a chainsaw.

Q: What’s red, sits in the front of mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?
A: A baby combing it’s hair with a potato peeler.

Q: What’s red and white and screams?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

Q: What do you get a dead baby for Christmas?
A: A dead puppy.

Q: What is red and crawls up a woman’s leg?
A: A homesick abortion!

Q: What’s pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A: A baby with forks in its eyes.

Q: What is red and hangs around in trees on a cold winter’s day?
A: A baby that was hit by a snow thrower.

Q: What’s red and white and is spread all over the lawn?
A: A baby run over by a lawn mower.

Q: What’s red, white and green and is spread all over the lawn?
A: Same baby, two months later.

Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to make a pile high enough to reach the light bulb.

Q: What’s pink and spits?
A: A baby in a frying pan.

Q: What is bright blue, pink, and sizzles.
A: A baby trying to breast feed from an electrical outlet.

Q: What is pink and red and gurgles?
A: A baby munching on razor blades.

Q: What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
A: Twins in an acid bath.

Q: How do you stop a baby from looking up at you with that cute little baby
face and gurgling happily with that little baby mouth and waving at you
with those little baby fingers and little baby toes?
A: Gouge its eyes out.

Q: What’s the best thing about being a test tube baby?
A: The womb with a view.

Q: What is a sure way to stop a baby from crying?
A: With an axe.

Q: What’s better than tying babies to your bumper and crashing?
A: Tying them to your tires and skidding.

Q: Why do doctors have a boiling water at a birth?
A: In case the baby is still born they can make soup.

Q: What’s the difference between a baby and a bagel?
A: You can put a bagel in the toaster. You have to put the baby in the oven.

Q. What is brown and keeps it’s juices in?
A. A baby in an oven bag.

Q: How do you spoil a baby?
A: Leave it out in the sun.

Q: Why did the shark fisherman stop at the abortion clinic?
A: Dead babies make the best bait.

Q: What’s charred black and smells really bad?
A: A baby playing with a blow torch.

Q. What was the baby doing on the wall?
A. Playing darts. It was the board.

Q. What was the baby doing on the sewing table?
A. Lying on its tummy. It was the pin cushion.

Q: What is 18″ long, cold and stiff, and makes a woman scream in the morning?
A: Crib death.

Q: How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
A: 5 if you hit them right.


2 Comments

  1. Loki, January 3, 2008:

    That is so fucked up that it made me laugh. We are so fucked in the head.

  2. Jeff, January 4, 2008:

    Sweet. much appreciated. Got mixed reviews when i started telling them at work though………

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