Review: Solstice

It’s Saturday so I guess I’d better review something. Let’s see… what have I watched recently…

Oh yeah. THIS shit.

Solstice presents itself as a ghost story set in a swamp, where a group of young adults (read: nitwit teenagers) perform some ceremony to contact the ghost of their friend who committed suicide.

Ummm… yeah, I suppose that’s accurate. Only the supposed “ghost of their friend” seems to be hanging around long before the stunningly un-creepy “ceremony” that is supposed to summon her actually takes place. But that makes sense because-

Okay, you know what? I’m not going to pick this movie apart; It doesn’t deserve that much of my time. Basically this movie sucks, and its only halfway-redeeming quality is that the story moves on at a brisk enough pace to get you to the end (yay!) before you die of boredom.

It tries to be creepy, but fails in all but two scenes.
It tries to go for jump scares, but fails utterly.
It tries to be a movie worth renting, but well… you see the pattern.

The “shocking ending” is neither shocking nor satisfying… only mildly unexpected. The effects (and horror and… you know… everything worth watching) are nonexistent throughout most of the film. They seem to be saving everything for the climax of the story, where they deliver a pretty good car accident and a ghostly transformation from human to OMGWTFRUN! Then the credits roll and you wonder why you wasted an hour and a half watching this crap.

So:

+5: The ghost looked kinda creepy, even when they were using the crappy low-budget effects (i.e., most of the movie)
+5: The “cursed keychain in the bathroom” scene honestly did creep me out.
+2: The car accident at the end was sorta cool. Kinda.
+1: At the end, the ghost went from “kinda creepy” to “Whoa!”… but only for about two seconds.

And that’s it. Really. But then:

-15: It’s PG13. ‘Nuff said.
-10: Extremely low body count.
-10: Extremely high drama count. If I wanted to watch a soap opera… I’d kill myself.
-5: Extremely low T&A count… as in “Zero”.
-5: Nothing remotely frightening happens at this movie until the very end.

It’s pretty obvious that this movie only exists to give the actors something to do between their other, more well-known projects. And if this review seems half-hearted, unenthusiastic, and even boring… great. This is what the movie Solstice is like. Skip this one.


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