My offer still stands

My previous offer of contract work is still valid. Only now I’m willing to pay double, because my inconsiderate neighbor has added another barking hellspawn to his collection.

So now that’s TWO dogs barking directly into my brain nonstop for hours on end.

You have no idea.

Imagine your job. Imagine you’re at work, doing whatever it is you do, and the two people in the cubicles across from yours start having this conversation at the top of their lungs:

“HEY FUCKER!”
“WHAT UP, BITCH!”
“WHAT?”
“HUH?”
“I DIDN’T HEAR YOU”
“I DIDN’T HEAR YOU EITHER I WAS TOO BUSY TALKING”
“WHAT!?”
“I SAID I WAS TOO BUSY TALKING!”
“YOU MEAN SHOUTING!”
“YEAH, THAT!”
“ME TOO!”
“LOLZ!”
“LOLZ!”
“WHAT!?”

That’s what these dogs are doing. Right now. While I’m typing these words, that shit is going on DIRECTLY across from my window. Right fucking NOW.

Oh, but they’re just DOGS! Barking is what they DO, they can’t help it!

Bull. Shit.

MY dogs don’t do that shit. My house is as quiet as a tomb, because my dogs live in mortal fear of “That Big Motherfucker With the Shoe”. So what’s the deal across the street? And why hasn’t anyone taken the initiative to go over there and stab those barking monstrosities in the face with the sharp end of a cinder block? Are there no go-getters willing to help me out? I’d do it myself, but the neighbors know what I look like, and plus I’d be the FIRST person they’d suspect… seeing as how I’ve got the most to gain should those two animals get accidentally bludgeoned to death with a fire hydrant. So are there any takers? It’s easy work. And the targets are easy to find…

…because they’re STILL FUCKING BARKING!


6 Comments

  1. rexmo, July 2, 2008:

    You REALLY need to check out some books by George Hayduke… you know the crazy ex-special forces treehugging beerdrinking Bonnie Abzug fucking earth firster that destroyed all the heavy equipment in “The Monkey Wrench Gang” Well he wrote a whole series of books one called… “Screw Your Neighbor” Seriously, some good reading…another: “Get Even”

  2. WeREwOLf, July 3, 2008:

    This post was delayed a few minutes because it took me that long to stop laughing so hard I thought I was gonna cough up a lung. Thanks for reminding me to quit smoking.

    Dude, I’d take you up on your offer, but there’s one small problem (other than air fare, legal repercussions, etc.): These maniacal rants of yours are Pure Fucking Gold(tm).

    But if it makes ya feel any better, and I know it doesn’t but I’m gonna bring it up anyway, I have the same damned problem with MY new neighbors and their two canine monsters. Right. Fucking. Downstairs. Not across the street. Not next door. IN my apartment building. Under my goddamn BED. Of course, WHEN they decide to start barking seems completely arbitrary and random. It could be at the sound of one of the other tenants wandering home (like me). The sound of a loud vehicle going by. The sound of someone snoring. The sound of two rabbits fucking on the other side of town… hell, I dunno. Maybe in dog-years they’re engaging in barking fits “once daily” and that’s actually seven times a day. Whatever. Point is, I’m right there in the same boat with ya man.

    I say we just fucking sink it and call it a day.

  3. Kragon, July 3, 2008:

    That shit is still going on…damn dude. Needless to say my problem disappeared when my neighbor moved. So I’m cool up here. My only problem of that nature these days is when my own two dogs decide to play a game call “Lets Annoy The Living Shit Out Of Our Master.” But that just takes a flying boot to stop that horseshit.

    But yeah, Like I said back in January, I believe, I can’t help ya brother. Unless I suddenly develop Klein’s ability. Then I could just Superbullet their brains across the yard for ya.

    And as a added bonus I could take care of the neighbor too. Free of charge of course. It always help to go to the root of the source.

  4. epm, July 3, 2008:

    Solution = teach.
    I am home writting a test that I will apply tomorrow, in the last test there was a classroom where the average grade was 3 (out of ten).
    My neighboors right at the other side of the wall have an unknown number of kids, they think that Jesus Christ is deaf and have an anoying dog that for some reason is silent today. But the kids are NOT and the stereo is not also.
    What I will do? Lets say that the average grade of those students will fall to 2 or less. Keeping them in university will just mean squandering public money (public university) anyway.
    Besides, if nobody poisoned that dog yet … they say that bread with fine particles of glass is perfect to solve these problems.

    OK … just kiding about the kids, their noise even calms me down a little, the stereo … they reduced the volume a bit once I started to complain quite loudly from this side, besides the walls are thick and made of mortar. Just by closing the window the level of sound dropped a lot.
    But the dog … I know my country, … maybe it is silent because someone already poisoned it. Unfortunately poor people here do not eat dogs, only cats,… and use their fur to make drums.

  5. raykendo, July 5, 2008:

    You don’t have to shoot ’em, when a steak with rat poison will work just as good. Quieter, but a bit more suffering. Then the neighbors wonder who the sick fuck is that would do that, and you’d probably be blamed, anyway.

    Then again, you could always lie to your neighbors. Ask them to bring the dogs in. Tell them your wife has a migraine and she can’t sleep it off because of them. If they’re decent folk, they’ll bring them in, and be annoyed by the dogs barking on the inside. Repeat as necessary.

  6. WizardofOz, July 8, 2008:

    I am not, as a general rule, a “call the cops” kind of guy. But sure as shit would become one in a hurry with that going on.

    I with you, my dogs don’t bark because they know they better not unless its something incredibly damn important. I expect other people to teach their dogs the same manners.

    In your case, I’d call the cops. They will require that the owners get their dogs to shut up … or the cops will have animal control haul the muts away.

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