As you no doubt know by now, this weekend the entire southeastern US broke loose from the planet and drifted off into space, condemning us all to a slow, dark, cold oblivion. I’m not sure why the internet is still working, but I’ve got WiFi so maybe that has something to do with it.
At my house we only got a few inches of snow, with a nice layer of ice on top of it. Other nearby places got a world-ending 7 inches the other night. I’m sure they’re all dead now.
They day before The Event, the stores were packed with people buying the Southern Staples (Bread, milk, toilet paper and beer). I had to stab an old lady in the kidney for the last two individual-sized cartons of milk on the shelf. I thought we had enough to get by, but I had to open the last 2-liter of Diet Mountain Dew today. When that runs out, I’ll have to do us all before caffeine withdrawal sets in. I don’t want to live through that.
Needless to say, everything is shut down. All seven (yes SEVEN) of the snow plows in the state of Georgia are probably burnt out husks by now. Speaking of burnt-out husks, if you’ve watched any national news you’ve probably seen footage of the poor guy who’s car caught on fire down here. Yes… the snow will SET YOUR CAR ON FIRE! We TOLD you that stuff was deadly, but Northerners and… umm… Everywhere Else-ers call us crazy! But there it is on CNN for the whole world to see: Snow-Induced Spontaneous Combustion! You Have Been Warned! You are next! Where is your God NOW, Athiests! (I mean… wait, whatever, you know what I mean.)
Save yourselves! You’re next!