Thanks, Fellow Atlanta Natives.

This is a direct copy/paste from an email I wrote describing what happened in Atlanta over the last few days. Somebody said you guys might enjoy it. Note that, like most of my rants, it is profanity ENHANCED for your enjoyment. Here goes:

THIS shit!

Goddammit!

I’ve been stuck in this house since Tuesday morning, but it’s not a big deal because the lights are on, I can still do my job, and I don’t like going outside anyway. Kinda like a working vacation… until I turn on the goddam news.

It’s a well-known and expected fact that southerners can’t handle winter weather. I expect shenanigans and rednecks sliding all over the interstate like a monster truck ballet. Everybody knows this and, as a result, at the slightest mention of snow the city shuts the fuck down and everybody huddles under their blankets with a beer in one hand and a remote in the other while the ditches outside fill up with idiots wearing confederate battle flags. This is what is supposed to happen. This is what keeps people safe and the situation sane. Nobody expects you to drive in the snow, so stay the fuck home.

Not this fucking time. Oh, no. Noooo…

Almost everybody in the state sort of… I dunno… FORGOT what they were supposed to do! They sent their kids to school and went to work like it was any ordinary day and then have the nerve to blame the mayor/governor/Jesus when they get caught in a 17-hour traffic jam and have to spend the night in their car on the interstate.

Don’t let anybody fool you… we were warned well in advance. I looked at the weather report on Monday afternoon and saw it was 1-3 inches of snow starting Tuesday afternoon. Which, by the way, is EXACTLY what we fucking got. My reaction was along the lines of: “Fuck that noise, I’m staying my [racist description] ass at home tomorrow. These motherfuckers ain’t gonna have me trapped in here, fuck that!” The people who work in the office with me… you know, SMART people… did exactly the same thing. If you listen to the news now, though, you can only draw the conclusion that my coworkers and I were the only people in the city who saw that weather report.

No. Everybody saw it. They were just under the impression that they had their own SEPARATE weather forecast that was distinct from what everybody else got.

24 hours later people are in a panic because they can’t get home and their kids are trapped on busses. WTF? Why were they even out of the house? They didn’t close the schools? So what! Dude, if you have 24 hours notice that shit is about to go straight up Froot Loops on the roads, do you send your kids to school just because nobody thought enough to shut the school down? No! Who does that!? Atlantans do, apparently.

It’s like everybody in a 60 mile radius of Atlanta suddenly thought they lived somewhere else. No, what was really going on was people were waiting on the government to tell them to stay home, when anybody with half a brain would have made that decision on their own. But noooo, they had to be ignorant, or they were so damned self-important that they just had to go to work anyway. “The schools are open so I guess it’ll be okay!” Really, bitch? Really? You do know you still live in Atlanta, right? When has snow EVER been okay in Atlanta? Are you new to the South? Shit is gonna be bananas and you’re sending Suzie to school on a fucking bus driven by a meth addict!? How did you expect that decision to turn out okay!?

And THIS is where it gets fucked up:

The city of Atlanta was ready for that shit. Honest to God, they had snow plows out the ass and were ready to throw down. But they couldn’t. Because what they hadn’t planned for was all these assholes being too stupid to stay the fuck at home when they’ve been given 24 hours notice of the fucking End Of Days! The snow plows and trucks couldn’t fucking GO anywhere because of the traffic. Roads were literally blocked with assholes who shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Everybody left their jobs/schools at literally the Exact. Same. Time. Then the expected thing occurred: rednecks in monster trucks started their traditional ballet recital, only they’ve got a few thousand cars lined up behind them instead of just a few dozen.

Now we’re on CNN looking like a fucking bomb went off in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.

Dude, don’t get me started.

That’s the end of the original email. To this, I’ll add this special message for the mayor of the City of Atlanta… as if he’ll ever read it:

I hate politicians. Really, I do. This is one of the rare times I’ll ever defend one. The mayor (who’s name I can’t even remember, that’s how much I hate them) has been taking a lot of heat for turning Atlanta into the setting of the new Mad Max movie. He’ was even on the Today show trying not to knock Matt Lauer the fuck out for asking stupid questions.

This shit wasn’t his fault. The city had its shit together for a change. Sure, they didn’t close/cancel some shit that should have been closed/canceled, but none of that should have mattered. As politicians, the mayor and governor can’t come out and say the REAL reason this shit turned into a SyFy Saturday Disaster Movie. Neither can the media, for pretty much the same reason. But I’m not a politician, so here it is:

YOU bastards. The people. The “victims” of the storm. YOU did this. If you self-important nimrods had read the same weather report that I did and made some rational decisions, NONE of this would have happened. You knew this shit was coming and, en masse, you ALL acted like it didn’t fucking apply to you. Every single one of you was waiting on some politician, bureaucrat, or media personality to tell you what was safe or unsafe. What happened to keeping yourself informed and making decisions… decisions of potential LIFE or DEATH importance… on your own!? Oh, I guess that’s gone out of style these days. Then you have the nerve to be on the news crying icicles because your kids can’t get home? I really feel sorry for the kids, but YOU did that to them. Not the major. Do better next time.
Learn to read a goddam weather report, and remember that just because YOU might know how to drive in the snow, you live in fucking Atlanta where NOBODY ELSE does. The determining factor of whether your child goes to school or not is NOT whether the school is open or closed. It’s whether you… the goddamn PARENT… think it is safe. Ditto for whether you need to risk your life to get to a job or not. If you have no choice, then fine… but there were a lot of people clogging those roads who had a goddamn choice. They just chose poorly.

That’s what the mayor can’t say.

PS. Dear SyFy Channel. When you make your inevitable “Polar Vortex” movie, I will be sorely disappointed if it is not set in Atlanta. Hell, I’ll even write that shit for you for free. Mine will have ice-tentacles in it, though. So if you’re cool with that give me a holler.


6 Comments

  1. DarkIcon, January 31, 2014:

    …and before you say anything, in the South a “snow plow” and a “salt truck” are exactly the same thing. I don’t care what you call them up north; HERE, they are identical.

  2. nate, January 31, 2014:

    Hallelujah, new text from DI!

    And even in Maryland “snow plow” and “salt truck”, when referring to county or state vehicles, are the same thing.

  3. WeREwOLf, January 31, 2014:

    Ha! You actually posted it. Awesome. :)

    Anyway, here in PA we call ’em “plow trucks”, which, of course, encompasses a vehicle that performs both functions. Simultaneously. Occasionally “state truck” is used if the wintery context has already been established in the conversation, but whatever; same diff.

    “Snow plow” up here refers to the specific device, regardless of the vehicle it’s mounted on; for ex., my boss has a snow plow on his F-250.

    Also, dibs on doingi the SyFy movie title graphic!

  4. WizardofOz, January 31, 2014:

    Sadly the reason so many people went to work is that FAAAAARRRRR too many people anymore rely on the government to tell them what to do. If the government doesn’t say that something is dangerous they reason that it must be safe. Those same people then blame the government for failing to “protect them.” This is why all the moaning and gnashing of teeth and blaming the mayor and the school board.

  5. WizardofOz, January 31, 2014:

    As for terminology … I live in ski country … average snofall is well north of 5 feet per snow season which stretches from as late semptember until late april so I won’t even go into the various names for our trucks that handle the job of snow and ice on the streets.

  6. nate, February 3, 2014:

    DI and I think alike on some things. This morning my local forecast was calling for up to 5 or more inches of snow today. When we woke up it was just raining, but the temperature was hovering around that magic number. The county college had already decided on opening late, with the option to re-evaluate that decision later in the morning. Not so with the county school system. Open on time. My wife and I decided to keep our kids home, rather than take the chance of an early dismissal. Maybe we overreacted, but it’s our decision. So far we’ve gone from rain to sleet, accumulating a little more than 1/8 inch, then switching over to snow. Nothing significant yet, but I still think we made the correct decision.

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